Saturday, December 15, 2012

a heavy heart


There are so many emotions that I think about after hearing about the tragedy in Newtown.  I feel fear, sadness, confusion, and guilt. I can't imagine how these parents feel; I can't imagine how they will make it through this holiday season. What do they do with presents that are already under the tree, right now a reminder of  what will not come? Those perfectly wrapped gifts, a symbol of that parents love for their child, that parents desire to see the Christmas morning excitement, full of hope and wonder, that can only be found in the eyes of a child.  My heart goes out to them all.

As a teacher I am afraid.  I am afraid this will happen to me. I know statistically speaking it won't, so is my fear irrational? I'm afraid that there are students in my school that are in unbelievable pain and do not know how to cope, and can only resort to violence. I want our schools to be stricter to keep our students and teachers safe, but how is this achieved without implementing prison-like control?  I wish the outside doors to my school were locked. The students in my school have to move between buildings, so I understand why they remain open, but after an event like yesterday I don't feel safe.

I also feel guilty as a woman who hopes to be a mother, not now, but one day. My husband is Australian, I American. After living in Australia for a few years we have returned to live in the U.S. He is amazingly supportive, and brave to move with me, to America in a time of economic uncertainty.  In the past 6 months that we have been here, I feel constantly reminded that the crime in America is alarming, and then an event tragic and heartbreaking happens, like in Newtown, that I feel is screaming out to me that it is not just alarming it is out of control.  This sort of stuff didn't happen when we were in Australia, why have I brought my family and future children back here? I love America, I truly do, but if I am honest I would rather raise our children in Australia.  Apart of me despises this idea, I hate that I don't feel as safe in my own country, that I love so dearly, as I do in another. Maybe I should be lucky that I have options?

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